day 69 : meek "hello"

blogging from the homeland, scotland. the land of contradictions. the country that on one hand brings you deep fried pizza :

and on the other, the most beautiful fresh salmon you will ever taste in your life:

it feels like AN AGE since i last wrote and that a lot has happened.

im going to grade myself a la school reports with regards to PCP.

food wise, i'd score myself a 6 out of 10. eating out means a "10" would be almost impossible but i have avoided all the bad stuff, always having fish, veg, salads etc. had some choc and a few bites of pudding at the girly dinner. lots of protein, few carbs, mucho veg. average performance. turned down invites out so that i could cook at home last couple of nights.
booze wise, id give myself a 7 out of 10. hardly having much at all, and for that i should be pleased and proud, but then i think to myself, "well, if you only had one glass of wine with lunch, why did you even bother at all?! you should just have had none you stoooopid wumin'"
workouts, 8.5 out of 10. i missed one day, but will catch up on it later in the week (maybe swap with rest day) so im ok with that. weirdly, i dont feel like the workouts challenge me here. obviously the heat in madrid is pretty extreme during summer months, but here,i have been working out in the park with a nice brisk cold breeze in the air, and granted, i feel tired and my muscles are sore afterwards, but because im not burning up and dripping in sweat, i feel like i cheated or didnt work hard enough!

i cant believe how quicky "PCP" time is flying past. i feel really, really REALLY gutted that i am missing this really cool part of the PCP. is this maybe the best bit? i think perhaps so.....

i could be at home absolutely BLASTING it out of the water and really going for it for these last 28 days, but sadly, restricted slightly. i am going to london for a few days after scotland and fairly confident that will be easier. no demands on my time and much better food around. but i wanna go home!!!! and why? so i can kick the ass out of PCP.

it has been hard here; my mum and i really not getting on. i have lost count over the last few days of how many times i have wanted to binge eat to deal with all the emotions it has brought up. when i am in madrid, its easier to ignore/compartmentalise. finding it really tough being back and living back with her for a few days. (hard for any 29 year old person going back to stay with parents i guess if you are used to living away!)

not sure i want to get into the deep and heavy stuff right now. also very boring. good news is, i havent crumbled and binged. YET.

one thing i will mention though: people's reaction to the "new louise". get a group of 9 girls/women together and watch the commments fly! most were nice comments. i felt distinctly uncomfortable when i took my coat off to sit down to dinner and literally everyone kinda went "oh my god". i hope that doesnt sound arrogant, i dont mean it to. we PCPers are all getting the same reactions as the 90 days go past, but i guess it's maybe because i havent seen some of these friends for so long, it was just all at once and a bit too overwhelming. 9 Vs 1. it was really kinda awkward. i wanted the ground to swallow me up and tried to change the subject. later in the evening, when more alcohol had been consumed, the comments got a little more "catty". ho hum. one person said i had taken it "too far". my dad told me i looked like a greyhound (a really skinny breed of dog). he wasnt being cruel , i was just his way of making a joke about it .

interestingly, no-one really asked what i had done to get fit. one person sorta ventured down the path, but when i replied "nutrition and exercise", their eyes glazed over.

i was still overall, a little taken aback. i dont feel like i look much different. i mean, i know i definitely feel better. and with clothes off/workout clothes on you can see some muscles etc, when i tense etc. but i really didnt think i would be that obvious. i was wearing a really loose fitting outfit on saturday, but i guess my arms were on show, and thats what people noticed.

anyways, i think i now look how i thought i looked. does that make sense? i used to be really quite fit and trim, but as soon as i went to study at uni and then on to a desk based job, it all disappeared down the toilet. but in my head, i always thought i was still that "fit" person.
i wasnt. im really seeing that now. and i guess people notice more than you think. they probably even notice more than you do yourself.

i have avoided getting preachy with people/friends/family over diet and exercise, but it's really distressing to witness some of what ive seen here. scotland is known as the "sick man of europe" and in some parts of glasgow, average life expectancy for men is 54 years. thats less than Iraq - http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2006/jan/21/health.politics

i have always been aware of this side of scottish life, and having lived in london since graduation, whenever i came back home to visit, i thought it was kinda amusing seeing all the take out places and fast food joints etc.

but coming back with my PCP goggles on, it really does break my heart.

it's not just poorer families and people; its everyone. my mum eats out every day, totally unhealthy. my dad has diabetes now.

i am taking my mum to the supermarket tomorrow to buy her new knives to chop veggies with, and some weighing scales and a healthy cookbook. i can only try...... (i am also taking her to the opticians. i have only been asking her to go for like, 10 years. the parent Vs child role reversal. boring).

sorry guys, really downer post. i feel like i am being dragged down whilst here.

(apart from my niece, who is a total ROCK STAR and i think i might steal her. she is 20 months old, and she is the absolute bee's knees. will post some pics soon. )

laters. sleep beckons. xx

p.s i miss you guys! (this sounds insane, but i feel so far away!)